In a fast-moving business world, it’s sometimes easy to overlook the fact that business is built on relationships and relationships are rarely – if ever – based on technical conversations. Relationships are based on trust and understanding that often start with small talk.
I sometimes hear people saying, “I am fine with important business conversations I just can’t do small talk” and they pass it off as being small, unimportant, insignificant and almost irrelevant. And therein lies a problem that could get in the way of influencing people or gaining new business.
I don’t find small talk uninteresting. I like talking to strangers – in cafes, on trains, at bus stops. I always think there is something interesting to find out. I like the cliché; a stranger is a friend I haven’t met yet.
On the other hand, some people find small talk difficult, they don’t know what to say, and say that they can’t see the point of asking people what they did at the weekend or last night.
A colleague told me that he found small talk difficult; his mind goes blank when faced with a stranger and he doesn’t know what to say. In fact he feels nervous or worried about looking foolish or being too intrusive, or that he might say something stupid … I had to wonder if he also found it hard to get dates as a teenager!
So, its not that he can’t see the point, it’s that it makes him uncomfortable so he diminishes it. And yet, he wants to be able to do it and envies people who do it so easily. They seem to get on, are able to influence, and seem to progress their careers so easily… and to get dates.
For me, it’s about 2 things:-
- Making the first move
- Being interested, not interesting
Making the first move – we are all a bit nervous and wish someone would make the first move. Most people will respond positively when approached. Feeling the discomfort and doing it anyway is the key. Yes, you feel nervous or uncomfortable, so what? Say something; say hi, how are you? Just make the first move and you’ll get a response. Perhaps not the one you want but you’ll get a response. People want to feel good about themselves and another person showing an interest in them is one of the ways people feel good about themselves.
Be interested not interesting – It is not about you regaling people with your adventures or stories about your weekend, it is about you asking questions about them. I remember leaving a party recently and telling my wife how nice a man called Fredrick was. She asked me about him and I couldn’t remember anything significant, he spent the whole time being interested in me. Asking me questions. He was interested, not interesting.
So, back to business, remember that business is built on relationships and relationships are not based on technical conversations, they are based on trust and understanding. And that often starts with small talk.
Call to Action
Recently I got a piece of business from a person I spoke to on a train. It was a conversation that started with small talk.
I challenge you to initiate a conversation with a stranger: just begin. Comment on the weather, mention their colourful socks, talk about the delay to the train or enquire about the significance of a tattoo they have (I’ve done all of these things by the way) and see what happens.
Make small talk a big thing in your life; you’ll be surprised by the result.